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Mitch Hedberg Quotes
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
Chicago is known as the Windy City, and Montana is called the Big Sky State, so I think that we should somehow combine the two to create the ultimate kite-flying experience. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
Dogs are forever in the push up postion. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
Every book is a childrens book if the kid can read! - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
Every time I go and shave, I assume theres someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, Im gonna go shave, too. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I dont have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman whod be mad at me for saying that. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I dont own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say Mitch, and I say what? and turn my head slightly. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didnt work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I havent slept for ten days, because that would be too long. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any cars headlights and tell you exactly which way its coming. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I know a lot about cars. I can look at a cars headlights and tell you exactly which way its coming. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I like Kit-Kat, unless Im with four or more people. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I like an escalator because an escalator can never break, it can only become stairs. There would never be an escalator temporarily out of order sign, only an escalator temporarily stairs. Sorry for the convenience. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I like refried beans. Thats why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe theyre just as good and were just wasting time. You dont have to fry them again after all. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I like rice. Rice is great if youre hungry and want 2000 of something. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I like to play blackjack. Im not addicted to gambling, Im addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I like to play blackjack. Im not addicted to gambling. Im addicted to sitting in a semi-circle. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I love blackjack. But Im not addicted to gambling. Im addicted to sitting in a semi circle. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific. - Mitch Hedberg Quotes
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